A Friend

I had a very dear friend. She was with me for around five years. We were living together, apart from being my room partner she was in my class, we did all group projects together and had such similar interests that we were just one step below the Siamese twins. We watched all movies together, we would not bunk the same classes and as our studying time was also shared we used to get very similar marks. As your can already see, we did have serious space issues. We grew up in these five years from teenagers to now twenty somethings and so we did learn from our individual ‘I need some space’ experience. It had to happen the day we wrote our last exam and collected the last piece of clearance signatures from the college that we had to part. She moved outside the country to her parent’s residence and I joined a new college for masters. As is obvious, I missed her terribly and wanted to share my new life, new place, new subjects, and new people with her. The internet was the only link between us and I did make some ISD calls every time the urge to hear her voice became unbearable. Still it was not like before but I was trying to make do with whatever little means I had to ’keep in touch’ with someone who knew me so very well, someone so dear and close. As I got busy with my academic commitments and some other new happenings in my life, the distance between us grew more than that of the two continents we were living upon. One fine day she wrote me a message saying that she preferred that we parted on good terms with good memories rather then drag this carcass of a once robust and famous friendship (we used to get ‘Best Pals’ kind of titles in our college days). I was predictably very upset and made a lot of noise over it…I typed frantic off liners coupled with hazy screens (that’s because my eyes used to be wet), every time that she came online, I wrote senti lines to remind her of our times and that she was not giving me fair chance as I was honestly very very very busy. After a very long online conversation and tears on two key boards across the globe, there settled the dust of a long silence on the once glorious melody of our duet. She still replies to my mails but in one line and our online conversations are monosyllabic from her end mostly. I don’t know if she is right. She says that I have changed so much as an individual that she cannot find the girl she liked in me anymore and so her course of action is justified. I don’t know. I would say that I am the same. I miss her and she is one of my favorite people in this world.

The Moth

I had been having some emotional trouble of late. My thoughts were doing a not so merry go round about just one thing..... can we ever be happy..?? What i meant was that at one point when things go the way you want them to, you tell yourself that life is beautiful and that things just couldn’t be better. But once such bouts of 'thank you god for everything' get over, you suddenly wake up to a fact that things aren’t so cool after all. So I was basically majorly screwed up trying to untangle this thing called happiness. I must've thought out loud over it in the car when my father, who was driving it smiled and opined ' Happiness is an Illusion'....
Ahem...well...ummm....what could I say!! I found him to be so true....I was consumed by this overwhelming sense of helplessness as if I was a puppet in the hands of call it whatever...god, nature, destiny.....whatever!!! I was made to believe something and then the panoramic view from my window led my eye to one small detail that I was missing out on and it, right in front of wide exclaiming eyes acquired a mammoth form that devoured all the beauty from the viewfinder.
Another person very close to me names it the 'equating' thing...which even I do believe in. every time I tumble on the floor in a fit of laughter I wipe my tears and tell myself 'Stop! Or you'd have to shed the same tears for sorrow'. Yes I believe just like him that everything equates in this world but you also cant stop being happy if you're getting the reasons to. The good hidden in bad and vice versa is obviously to do with individual perception. I am certainly not trying to get all philosophical here but right now my state of mind says 'What the heck'!!!!!!!
So now that I have sorted it all out and am feeling lighter, I am relating to that heavy feeling what it does to me as long as it puts the pressure on my heart. i read ' God of small things' two years ago but one thing that has stayed with me is the Moth. I describe emotional pain or the heavy heart feeling to the Moth. Every time some event in my environment causes me to feel really low, the Moth appears out of nowhere and plonks itself inside the left side of my chest. It just stays and stays and goes on pressing harder with its frail legs until something happens to make it fly off its newly acquired territory. It also comes when i am missing someone terribly...the same dull, soft moth...there… it places itself on my heart…
I always tell myself that it would keep coming...as it does. Every now and then....out of the blue...doesn’t have a taste for reason, anything will do....but the truth is..it hammers slowly on my heart and tells me to not take the happiness's butterfly for granted as she might be ...as my father said....just an illusion.

The First Born Child

my first blog
first memory of a child....first toy....first birthday...first gift...first day to school...first prize...first crush...first love...first kiss..first heartbreak....
the list goes on.
so many 'first' pop up and then go away...time devours them...slowly...
once its past, it trains you, teaches you and the value of the emoion changes. in case of a 'first GI-joe' it becomes fonder if you keep it over the years. in case of a blunder, the value goes down as time heals it and you learn a lesson...
i am trying to look through all the firsts in my life and see what i can learn.
the first born is expected to be great...i hope all my firsts are great maybe only then will the version one be okay...and as i'll go on the versions that will follow should be a bit better....